Outline

  • Definition
    • “effective” means you get someone to change their behavior
    • hurting someone’s feelings is a distraction
  • How to avoid hurting someone’s feelings while criticizing them
    • Talk about the behavior, not the person
    • Talk about yourself, not them
      • Good: “This makes me feel…”
      • Bad: “You do X and you are being Y”
    • Be as specific as possible, with examples
      • Don’t generalize about them as a person
      • Have counter-factuals. “If, isntead, you did X, here is how I would interpret that”
    • Be open about your own mistakes
  • When it goes wrong
    • Establish common causes
      • “We both want X, right? We just disagree on how to get there”
    • Apologize, because you fucked up